My relationship with fire began in the early hours of 13th October 1994. I’ve written the following sentence and deleted it many, many times. I don’t know what words to use to describe the events that followed without it sounding too big or too small. I guess the facts are that a smoke alarm alerted us to the fact there was a fire in our home. Everyone got out alive and without significant injury so I guess in lots of ways it wasn’t too bad. It took six months to put right the physical damage before we could go back there but it has taken way longer to deal with the emotional damage that it caused.
I think I may well have blocked out a lot of that night, I have few memories but the ones I do will stay with me forever. I was talking to Mum about it recently and she filled in some of the blanks. After an investigation we were informed the fire started due to a fault with a mobile phone charging. It was located in the hallway near where our coats were hung. So they provided fuel for the fire which was up the wall and over the ceiling where the stairs were, our escape route. I don’t remember much of that… what I do remember is the intense heat as I was coming down the stairs. I stopped and screamed before getting to the bottom and Mum grabbed me and dragged me to the door. I’d covered my face with my hands so had some burning to my nose and fingers but they healed pretty well within a couple of weeks.
At the time we didn’t get any form of trauma support, I think my Dad put a block on any of that ‘mumbo jumbo’ and Mum was busy dealing with everything on her own as he pretty much shut down. She liaised with insurances and builders to get the physical repairs sorted and salvaged anything she could from the house so I don’t blame her for not taking on that battle.
As an adult I’ve tried lots of different methods of dealing with the trauma. It’s helped, I got to the point where I could light matches again, be ok, if a little wary, with candles being lit, be physically able to sit round a camp fire, although if I’m really honest I was always transported back to that night in 1994 when I felt the heat of those fires. I became able to talk about it without breaking down and I think I believed that was the best I could hope for. I no longer had nightmares and for the most part it didn’t impact my day to day life, but I also wasn’t free.
Fast forward to 30th October 2021, I attended a retreat day and one of the guest contributors runs a breathwork practice as part of the day. I wasn’t in a great place, I’d recently had to have my fur baby put to sleep after four months of a cancer diagnosis, being given the all clear only for it to come back again with a vengeance. I was also starting a new job the following Monday and had doubts about whether I was making the right choice so needless to say I wasn’t feeling my best. However, after experiencing the breathwork practice I felt soo much better, not at my best but a lot better than I’d felt for a little while. I use the word transformative when I talk about that experience because it was. We ended the day with a ritual around a camp fire and I chatted to Steve, the guy who delivered the breathwork practice, I wanted more of that. The good news was, more was available, he runs empowerment courses. The bad news is that those empowerment courses are called Firewalk Instructor Training. I’m not so good with fire, I told him, my standard line… before elaborating, house fire as a teenager. He told me bout a girl who attended one of his firewalks who also didn’t think she’d be able to fire walk… but did. Yeah that’s right, also been involved in a house fire.
I have no desire to firewalk, it’s not going to happen!
Two days later I found myself looking at the website… filling out an enquiry form… getting a phone call from Barry with more information… filling in a booking form… sending payment.
What the fuck have I just done.
I then spend months not thinking about it, not preparing for it. Not reading emails, until a few days before… I see a sentence that reads something along the lines of ‘over the course of the four days we’ll have an opportunity to walk over 100 fires…’
What the fuck have I done.
Ok, re read the email, get the pertinent bits of information such as start time and what I need to bring and then don’t look again… because that will make it better, right…
No, it doesn’t.
I am shitting myself. Aside from firewalks, I have absolutely no clue about what the next four days hold. Ok, there is probably going to be a breathwork practice, and the bloody firewalks. One hundred… I’ll be bloody impressed with myself if I manage to do one, it’s unlikely… but we’ll see. Maybe after doing stuff like the breathwork and other empowering things I’ll miraculously be fine with it and just do it… 🤔
Firewalk Instructor Training (F.I.T) Day 1:
On the first day there is a lot of practical stuff associated with fires, safety information but also all the dangerous stuff that we need to be aware of to ensure we are safe. I started the day full of anxiety and I’m not going to lie, it stayed with me throughout the course of the day. We did some practical stuff as a team too which is ok. Not particularly challenging in terms of my comfort zone but also not anything that challenges how I feel mentally, so I’m just anxious.
The person in charge of tonight’s fire nominates me to be one of the people to light the fire. Nice one! That’ll help my anxiety….! (Sarcasm – just in case you were wondering).
So… I get involved with lighting the fire. It’s actually ok. In all honesty doing, rather than watching someone else do it occupies my mental chatter. Yes, it’s bloody hot and that isn’t pleasant but it’s done… then we go inside to prepare to firewalk.
Ok… so I probably should’ve realised this was coming… I mean we’ve spent the day building fires and then lit one. However, I’ve been living in a state of denial… One of the ‘things to bring’ was three pairs of spare socks which could be soaked with Aloe Vera gel in case of ‘Fire kisses’ so in my mind that meant three ‘opportunities’ to firewalk. I’m thinking that was an incorrect assumption!
So we go inside and prepare. Barry runs us through a typical firewalk prep seminar. I’m not sure I really remember the process well but I know it involved raising energy and creating a mindset to give us the best chance of successfully walking on fire. We’d talked earlier in the day about the mental process. In theory anyone can walk on fire and not be kissed – aka receive burns or blisters. No one really knows why some people do and some people don’t as the physics are the physics – so the difference is attitude, mental state and purpose. It’s possible to create physical illness from imagining things happening and I’ve heard stories of people being cured of terminal illnesses after shifts in mindset so I don’t need too much convincing that I have to believe in what I’m about to do and be doing it for the right reasons. The problem is I know I don’t, I don’t believe I’m capable, I’m just terrified. That does not feel like my heart is in the right place. 🤨
We have been told not to make a decision about whether to walk or not until we are about to. So whilst I’m not making a decsion my mind is just full of chatter, lots of negative self talk, lots, like my mind is in warp drive having conversations with itself 🤯. My heart is racing and I feel sick. I have a whole list of reasons not to do this. As I watch people queue up ahead of the glowing coals I check in with myself. I know that even if I get to the front of the line and manage to put one foot in front of the other I’m doing from a place of abject fear. I have no faith in myself or the process which means I’m asking for trouble.
In that moment I give myself permission to not walk.
As I do so I feel a whole load of crap leave my body, whilst I don’t exactly feel at peace I’m also no longer tense. My heart slows down and it feels like a weight has been lifted from me. It’s day one. I don’t know what the following days hold but I know that right now is not my moment. Maybe there won’t be a right moment, maybe I won’t firewalk but you know… I’m ok with that. Yeah maybe I’m just being negative and excusing my feelings but if that’s the case then so be it. I came for the breathing, I remind myself.
F.I.T Day 2:
I’m chatting to one of the other attendees before we officially start our day and it dawns on me that even though I didn’t walk the day before I did get a lot out of the day. I built and lit my first fire. Ever. By learning about these processes I’ve got a sense of control which I didn’t have before.
I’m grateful I was nominated to light the fire as I wouldn’t have done so by choice… but outside the comfort zone… it’s where the magic happens. Cliched, but also true! I’m feeling calmer and although not relishing the prospect of more firewalking stuff, I’m also just taking it one step at a time.
We share at the start of the day and Steve and Barry tell us some stories. One of which is about a young girl who attended a firewalk. After completing the firewalk she told Steve about her past experiences with fire, Steve had shared this story with me around that first campfire on the retreat day so I knew what was coming and thought I’d be ok… until I found out that it was at the age of 14, her house set alight and she lost family members in the fire. It was her being the same age as me which triggered the tears. I’m actually glad, although I wasn’t feeling particularly stressed or anxious at the start of that second day, it was cathartic, emptying out any residual pent up emotion.
Day two turned out to be very different. We were introduced to Kai and the concept of spiritual firewalks. Although there was lots of practical fire building stuff again it was approached differently. We connected with the wood before adding it to the fire, giving it negative things we wanted to get rid of. We used charcoal from the previous nights fire to write positive words and emotions we wanted to give the fire and in return receive back. The day felt very different and really appealed to my inner hippy!
After the fire building we went off and did a number of different activities two of which were particularly challenging for me. I’m glad I didn’t have advance notice of either as I’m not sure I’d have turned up that second morning if I’d have known what lay ahead of me. When I found out about each of the activities I decided I wasn’t doing them… until it was my turn… and I found myself doing them. I cannot describe the feeling of confidence and pride in myself and everyone else in the group for trusting the process and getting stuck in. That second day really brought us together as a group.
As the evening approached I was feeling pretty damn good. I’d already achieved more than I thought I would so there was no pressure.
The preparation for the spiritual firewalk was very different to the preparation the night before. We sat in circle, burned sage, connected with spirit, connected with ourselves and how we were feeling before heading outside to stand around the fire.
Rather than a lane of coals with people queueing to walk, the coals were laid out in a circle. We stood around the circle and people walked across the circle when they felt called to. I don’t know whether it was the high of the day, connecting in with spirit, the very different energy around that fire or a combination of all of the above but I found myself crossing the coals that night.
After everyone had completed the walk(s) they wanted to we connected with ourselves again. I remember my words as it was my turn ‘I am Heather, I am fucking invincible’ which is exactly how I felt in that moment. Recalling that feeling as I type this fills my heart with joy.
I woke the following morning and a realisation hit me… On October 13th 1994 I walked through a fire, I left hope, joy, childhood wonder and innocence in that fire and took out of it doubt, fear, anxiety and a whole load of emotional baggage. On 5th May 2022 I walked through a fire and left in it doubt, fear, self limiting beliefs, and a fuck tonne of emotional baggage and took out of it hope, joy, love and a sense of confidence and determination. I don’t have the words to describe how grateful I am to have been at that place in that moment, for Kai holding the space I needed. For each and every group member for being themselves. Something monumental happened with those few steps.
F.I.T Day 3:
We we warned not to exercise in the morning if that’s our standard practice and it’s also pointed out that the days are getting more challenging. Personally I don’t feel as though anything could be more challenging than the day before I’m also not wanting to jinx myself and the rest of us so I keep that thought to myself.
At this point I can’t quite remember what order things are done in, the days and activities start to be a blur after a while but I know there was more fire building. Today was ‘our’ fire. We made the decisions, built it and were in charge of it til our walk. Steve decides I need a turn at leading, thanks for that Steve! Now I will caveat this by declaring that I have no issue being in charge, at work I lead meetings, small projects etc and do fine thank you. However in these sorts of groups I tend to hang back, there are always bigger personalities than mine and I don’t feel the need to compete, which obviously makes me a target for being nominated, like today! So, it’s fine, we get the decision made about where to build the fire, how big it should be etc my work here is done.
So day three is the physical day, apparently, which then slightly confuses me as we go and lie down to do the breathwork practice. Not particularly physically demanding! Though I get it, the breathwork focuses on our bodies, the breath, which is in itself the most basic of physical activities. So today could be bloody epic, I started on a high with my fire metaphor, I’ve led a group of people and checked that activity off my list and now it’s the breathwork practice, my entire reason for being there… woohoo.
The practice is bloody fantastic again. Different from the first time, which isn’t surprising as I’m in a different place mentally. There is a special kind of high after completing the practice. I feel as though I can see colour properly for the first time in my life, it’s great to just spend some time with that feeling and appreciate life for a little while.
I think it was during lunch on day three I found myself chatting to one of the other participants and saying how it was as though there was something in the water, generating compliance. There were so many activities that we’d completed where, in any other situation, if you’d asked me to take part the answer would’ve been a resounding ‘no’. For some reason here, I just found myself going along with it, even after initially thinking no… Obviously the water isn’t actually spiked and it’s all part of the programme which is designed to work on our mentality to facilitate these shifts.
After lunch was another such activity…
I’m a natural analyser so subconsciously I’d been trying to deduce what activities lay ahead. Being told it was a physical day, being warned not to exercise and using our list of things to bring I’d tried to establish what might be ahead, even though I didn’t really want to know. I was way off…
The afternoons activity was something I’d not done before (surprise surprise), involved getting hot, sweaty and being way closer to other human beings for a prolonged period of time, way longer than I’m comfortable with. The activity takes place in the dark, we were given a large towel and a plastic box and invited to remove as much / little clothing as we liked…
Nice one!!
Anyway, it happened and what happens on F.I.T stays on F.I.T 🤣
After the afternoons activity we got to enjoy a lovely paella cooked for us by one of the F.I.T instructors with some time to chat to the instructors which was great. Whilst we had snippets from them in shares the four days was mostly about us so it made a refreshing change getting to know them more.
And then there was the fire… Our fire for Our Firewalk.
Which apparently I was still in charge of… Great!
We lit and tended to the fire which was fine, actually. About 10-15 minutes before the fire was due to be ready we went inside to prepare. Which apparently involved me leading the whooping and singing.
I’m knackered, I’d forgotten to take hayfever meds that morning so felt physically rough, I’d spent three very long days with people which is draining in itself for me without factoring in the mentally challenging stuff we have been doing. So at this moment in time the last thing I wanted to be doing was being loud, singing and whooping. But loud I was, because apparently that was what was needed in that moment. I’m in two minds about the concept of ‘fake it til you make it’ in some scenarios it can be powerful but in others it can be destructive, in that moment it felt destructive. I’ve spent a lot of my career receiving the message that if you want to succeed you have to be this or that. If you want to have a group of friends you need to be fun and outgoing. I call BS. Actually introverts can make excellent leaders it’s not all about being loud, and I have great friends who appreciate me for me. I stopped trying to change myself a while ago and this process felt inauthentic. I didn’t come into this training wanting to run firewalks I wanted some breathwork practice and maybe some other empowerment activities, I also know that if I ever were to run firewalks it wouldn’t be like this. Don’t get me wrong sometimes I can be loud and singing at the top of my voice and yes music can be a powerful mood changer, but not when I’m feeling knackered and overwhelmed.
At one point Steve suggested I might like to lead people over the coals. My response was ‘No’ what I was thinking was; You can fuck right off.
I honestly thought the breathwork practice would probably be the thing that gave me the courage to do a firewalk, so when we did the breathing that day I felt sure I’d walk that evening. The high from the day before, the breathing, there were times during that day that I felt on top of the world. In front of that fire was not one of them. I was done. It goes to show you really shouldn’t make the decision whether to walk or not until you are in front of those coals.
When everyone who wanted to had walked, we went back inside and shared. I felt incredibly 💩 in that moment, inauthentic and exhausted. So yet again the tears flowed.
Overnight I had another small realisation. The day before felt like I was channelling a lot of masculine energy, I’ve been working on balancing out my energies since undertaking the Food & Feminine upgrade last year (or was it the year before) #timeflies. More on that here: Total Food & Feminine I’m still working on balancing those energies but it feels as though things have and are changing.
F.I.T Day 4:
My energy is pretty low, the preceding very long days are starting to take their toll.
Today starts out being about our celebratory final evening of firewalks, where we will be given the opportunity to walk 108 firewalks, should we choose to do so. 108 is a significant number and has many spiritual meanings. There are 108 mala beads often used for meditation, chanting or silent repetition of mantras, 108 rosery beads, in yogic traditions 108 signifies spiritual completion. The numerology energy represented by the number 108 resonates with initiating projects to benefit humankind. The energy also resonates with infinite potential. It contains idealism, philanthropy, and a tendency to explore new avenues for getting things done. Needless to say it’s a pretty significant number, hence the opportunity this evening.
The 108 is complete by walking 36 rounds of three firewalks, laid out in a circular formation, with a centre ‘feeder’ fire. So we are tasked with building three railroad fires and a central circular fire ready for later on.
We go inside for some more challenges. As we’re told what we are going to be doing, I sit and think, ‘nah not a chance’ and the mental chatter started, then continued. Whatever was in the water supply has been switched off. Ok, no, I’m tired, physically and emotionally, struggling to switch off the mental chatter, struggling to dig deep to the depths of my mind which store my resolve, determination, grit. Each time I think ‘ok, I got this’ someone else stands up and takes their turn, until I just find myself going up to take my turn. I don’t feel ready and I don’t feel capable and I know I have a very short amount of time to get there, mentally. I have a couple of practice goes, visualising completing the task and then as I go for it I let out an almighty scream, not quite realising that I’d successfully completed the task, til I stopped.
We do some more mind over matter activities one of which we do in pairs which is bloody great. I’m feeling slightly more human and alive which is a definite improvement from earlier.
We sit together in a circle to complete the final activity before it’s time to take the exam. We’re told we need to get our minds into a state of bliss, like that feeling after the breathing exercise. How some people have been able to overcome phobias using this technique. Barry then demonstrates what we are going to do. I’m proud that I don’t pass out at this point. Bliss or not, I’m not even attempting this. It’s a big fat no from me. I’ve spent three and a half days saying yes, attempting things I didn’t believe were possible, I’m giving myself a pass on this one.
Then it’s exam time – we need to prove we’ve taken in all we have been taught and are capable of using it safely in the outside world. This is the bit I’m not concerned about. I’ve taken a lot of exams over the years so it doesn’t really stress me out, plus I didn’t do this for the certificate, I did it for me.
The 108 and celebration:
After dinner we go out and light the fires ready for our 108 later on. We play music and tend the fires, before heading inside to prep.
When we head outside again I don’t queue up as I know I have no intention of completing the 108, as much as I’d love to it’s too big. Instead I cheer people on as they start to complete laps.
A few laps in I decide to drop into the circle and complete a fire walk, which I do. Ok, so I now know the first wasn’t a fluke and I can do it. I duck out and let the others continue. I watch for a while, cheering the others on and I figure if I can do one, why not complete a lap. Again I join the circle and complete a circuit, walking three more fire walks. That’s five. I like the number five. Being completely honest, it’s five more than I thought I’d do when I turned up on that first morning, four days or what feels like an eternity ago. At some point near the end, possibly after walk 81, Barry halted the fire walkers and turned off the music, inviting those walking to do so in quiet, allowing reflection and introspection. The fire walkers continued until the penultimate walk was complete. After the final walk all of the instructors lined up to give the fire walkers a massive hug and welcome them into the firewalking family. Those of us that hadn’t completed the 108 were invited to walk that final walk too, and we were also welcomed into the firewalking family.
So now I’ve walked six times… I’m less keen on the number six so I’m going to have to walk more. Simples.
After the 108 came celebrations. We got to view the photos and videos of all the crazy activities we’d done, we had the opportunity to do a Q&A with Tolly Burkan, the guy who brought firewalking to the western world in the 1970’s, we were presented with our certificates, we heard from the amazing team supporting us through the four days, and then there was a party. I’m not going to lie I ducked out before the party started. It was already the wee small hours and I was emotionally and physically exhausted. We exchanged numbers as a group and we are still in touch.
I can honestly say those four days changed my life. I have never been on such an intense roller coaster of emotions, words cannot express how grateful I am for each and every person involved in the course, the other attendees and all of the people involved in making it happen, aka my F.I.T family.
In case you were wondering, my feet were fine, no fire kisses for me.
Photo credits:
All of the above images were taken by others as part of the course. I cannot take credit. Instead those go to Sarka, Reg, Suk & Jo.
If you want to know more about this amazing course visit: https://firewalk.co.uk
Actually that’s a lie, you’ll probably not find out much, because the website doesn’t give the magic away, but there is a contact form you can fill in and someone will call you back. I’ve deliberately not gone into detail about the activities on the course as I don’t want to spoil the surprise 🤫.
But.. go on, do it. It might just change your life
